Fear and Paranoia in Sacramento

Its been awhile since I've written anything, for various reasons. I haven't felt that I haven't had anything to write about, and I keep getting distracted by little side projects such as working on anime garage kits, sculpting little horses from scratch, a new job, and as always, playing video games.

But this month has been... different.

I've had this awful headache for over a month now. At first, I thought it was related to hormones, so I waited it out. And waited, and waited. So, then I thought, okay, perhaps its getting caused by allergies, since I only seem to get them when I wake up or go to bed. A week of feeling REALLY drowsy thanks to allergy meds, and still the headache persists. Okay, well I notice my eyes have been giving me issues, so I went to the eye doctor. Besides having astigmatism (yay for getting old -_-) and my right eye has gotten considerably worse, nothing much, and still... the headache persists.

 Yeah, I also feel like wanting to rip my hair out!!!

So starting this past Monday I've started the tests and checkups with my doctor to see what is wrong. Honestly, its been a month and I'm freaking tired of feeling like this!! So, she did some blood work, but thanks to our new health care laws, unless they think I'm suffering from a blood clot or something severe, you can't just go and get an MRI without waiting and see if other methods work first. So thats where I am now... wait and see.

They put me on this new medicine which is supposed to prevent headaches, and I have to say I do not like it AT ALL. It makes me not only feel loopy and thusly even MORE stupid than normal (which has been one of my main gripes about the headache, I don't like feeling like I can't form a complete sentence!) but guess what? The headache is still there. Its been sticking around for so long, I think I'm going to name it. Fruity McBaggerson.

So, in the meantime, I have to wait and see what happens until my next doctor's appointment in a week. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up happy and headache free, although I seriously doubt it.

The worst part about this all, is how freaking scared I am. Since I lost my mother to brain cancer a little less than 10 years ago, I am extremely paranoid that it is happening to me. Do I want to think about that? Hell no! Besides this headache, things have been going GREAT for me! I'm finally happy and content in an awesome relationship, and have been married for a little under 6 months with the best husband of all time. We have been working on planning out our future, with new places to live, and eventually when to start a family. I have a new job, and besides lately I've felt more creative and accomplished than I have in the rest of my life. Yet every day that I wake up with this headache, it worries me more and more. Every day, at every minute, there is a little voice in the back of my head nagging me that "this might be a tumor" and goes on to say "what if you're going to die" "what will happen to your husband... your dad... your friends and family" over and over again. Yet I keep trying to drown it out. I keep trying to think positive. But, I keep failing.

If things continue as they are now, I can almost guarantee an MRI is in my near future, that is as long as the insurance will cover such "frivolous" expenses. My hope is, IF they find something it won't be life threatening, and will be an easy enough fix. Maybe it still is some hormonal issue?? I really am trying to hold out hope here, although it seems more in vain every day.

I'll leave this blog here, with the hopes that I will be able to yell this Arnold quote at the top of my lungs soon:

I really, really freaking hope it isn't, man.