For a better lack of trying, it may never happen

Well, its been awhile since my last update, and guess what? IT WASN'T A TUMOR!!!! Yay!

Yes Arnold, you were right. THIS TIME!

So there's that. Still don't know what is really wrong though other than I have been diagnosed with "Chronic Migraine" and as of just a few days ago "Essential Tremor." So basically for some reason in the past few months the nerves in my body have decided to go all haywire for really no reason other than to mess with me. Fun, right? Really its been a roller-coaster ride and for now I'm on some lovely medicine that is helping both the migraines and tremors, but unfortunately both may be around for the rest of my life. Also, with no previous family history of either, I'm still a bit skeptical of the diagnosis, but I guess for the time being as long as I'm not writhing on the ground every day with a headache or shaking like a leaf I'm okay with that.

Bad news bears is, this puts a even bigger wrench into our already wrenched-up plans of starting a family sometime in the near future. I'm not going to go into really gooey details (unless you want to follow the links and do research on your own) but this will get personal so go ahead and step away and go watch an episode of My Little Pony or something if you'd rather not read all this. To be honest, I've been very down about it, and I find writing to be very cathartic. So read on if YOU DARE!!! (no, really its not that bad)

I've always wanted kids, but never been baby obsessed or anything.  I've just always thought that kids were neat, wanted some of my own someday, and gotten along well with the (majority) of kids because I can level with them. So the older I get, the further I get from being able to have kids, just kind of sucks.

So when I was a young adult of around 19 or so, I discovered a lump on my thyroid, which after a very frightening series of tests and biopsies, we discover is NOT cancer but just a nodule (cough lump) that decides to grow into my esophagus so about a year later I had to have it removed along with my left part of my thyroid. This lead to getting Hypothyroidism, or just a lack of all the lovely stuff that the thyroid produces since I didn't have half of it anymore! Not a huge deal, much better than cancer, but it does increase the risk of miscarriage and other things for pregnancy if you aren't careful. Not a huge deal, just something to monitor when the time comes. So, there is the first tiny wrench.

Just... a little wrench in the plans! A penny pincher if you will.

A few years later, I had to be rushed to the ER because of terrible pains I had in my side. Everyone thought it was my appendix or maybe a kidney stone until my scans came back (and at that point I didn't care, as they were nice enough to give me some morphine, thank you ER doctors!) and I had a cyst the size of an orange on my left ovary. Fun!! After more tests and several weeks of bed rest I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome, which means that if I wasn't on the right form of birth control or on any at all, my body could make these lovely cysts instead of doing what normal women's bodies do. Awesome. This was a pretty big wrench in ever being able to have a family, especially since I was diagnosed so young. I was told that really it wouldn't be a huge deal when it came down to it, that a lot of women with PCOS can conceive without having to go to great lengths, but that I should get most of my child-bearing out of the way when I was younger.  Well, sometimes life just doesn't have those plans for you. And really, that's okay.

And along comes another wrench... bigger, more rusty... more Fallouty?

So years pass, I freak out about it but never have any kids (thank goodness for that actually), and after getting worse problems, just a few years ago am diagnosed with Endometriosis, which again without getting into details goes hand in hand with the PCOS and basically means my inside bits work backwards. Great. An even BIGGER more awful wrench. My doctor at the time tells me that while it is still possible to get pregnant, that most women with both PCOS and Endo get pregnant with IVF. While I believe its a woman's choice if she wants to go through all that (and the COST of that), its not something I'd really be willing to do. So when I first started dating my husband I told him about all this and he said he'd be willing to at least try (sans the IVF and really crazy fertility treatments) and I was fine with that too. Or at least when we were ready in a few years, but before I am too old and completely barren.

The big evil ENDO WRENCH OF DOOOOOOOOM!

So life goes on. This past year I marry my awesome hubby and we start to decide when is a good time to start a family. I talk it over with my various new doctors, I get on some new meds to get things kick started, I start to lose some weight and all is well. Then these migraines start, and the tremors. Now it looks like my life is even more screwed up than before. I will still have to talk to the lady doctor, but as of now it doesn't look like there is much hope neurologically. The migraines are here to stay and there really aren't any medicines I can be on for either migraines or tremors that are pregnancy safe. Sure, I can slowly go off of them and just deal with the migraines and tremors while I try to get pregnant and am pregnant (IF THAT EVER HAPPENS) but how long would that take? And is there even a guarantee that it would work? So basically, I'm screwed. No, forget that. I'm wrenched.

WRENCH'D! Ow, my plans!!!

So for the past few days, I've been pretty down to say the least. I'm sure a lot of women (and men) who suffer with infertility go through this, but I just feel so completely and utterly useless. As if oh, you can't have children? Then you aren't good enough to do ANYTHING! I know, its silly. There are lots of successful people out there who can't bear children. I just feel like a failure. I know it isn't my fault. I didn't ask to have this screwed up, awful body. In fact I was actually trying to put forth an effort to make myself "baby ready" and that didn't even work. It's not like I smoked my whole life and now I have lung cancer, or I went to tanning beds and now I have melanoma. I just genetically got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

I know adoption is an option, and really I would be totally fine with NOT being pregnant ever, especially with all the crazy wrenches in my body. I just feel so much guilt about not being able to give my husband "his own" children, especially since he really isn't as messed up as I am. Is that crazy or what? I know we have talked about this and he is fine with adoption too. I just know there is also a part of me that is really frightened that if we adopt a child that it will still reject me. It would tear me up inside if it would resent me because I wasn't its "real mom" or if I'd have to deal with some kind of crazy baby-mamma-drama with the birth mother or father. Of course, we could get lucky and they could genuinely want the best for their child but the last thing I want is something like a jealous birth mom ALL UP IN MY GRIIIIIIIILL.

I'm so street you don't even KNOW it.

Sigh. Who knows. Maybe my body will magically be filled with rainbows and happiness and I won't ever have to worry about this stuff ever. Maybe I'm just stressing over nothing and really its no big deal in the end. Or maybe the headache plus the neighbor's pain in the ass border collie barking 24/7 is just making me cranky and moody extra today. I don't know. I think I'm going to go get some ice cream, turn up the TV REAL FREAKIN' LOUD (to drown out the barking) and watch some Netflix and hope there isn't some babies being born or anything.

Fear and Paranoia in Sacramento

Its been awhile since I've written anything, for various reasons. I haven't felt that I haven't had anything to write about, and I keep getting distracted by little side projects such as working on anime garage kits, sculpting little horses from scratch, a new job, and as always, playing video games.

But this month has been... different.

I've had this awful headache for over a month now. At first, I thought it was related to hormones, so I waited it out. And waited, and waited. So, then I thought, okay, perhaps its getting caused by allergies, since I only seem to get them when I wake up or go to bed. A week of feeling REALLY drowsy thanks to allergy meds, and still the headache persists. Okay, well I notice my eyes have been giving me issues, so I went to the eye doctor. Besides having astigmatism (yay for getting old -_-) and my right eye has gotten considerably worse, nothing much, and still... the headache persists.

 Yeah, I also feel like wanting to rip my hair out!!!

So starting this past Monday I've started the tests and checkups with my doctor to see what is wrong. Honestly, its been a month and I'm freaking tired of feeling like this!! So, she did some blood work, but thanks to our new health care laws, unless they think I'm suffering from a blood clot or something severe, you can't just go and get an MRI without waiting and see if other methods work first. So thats where I am now... wait and see.

They put me on this new medicine which is supposed to prevent headaches, and I have to say I do not like it AT ALL. It makes me not only feel loopy and thusly even MORE stupid than normal (which has been one of my main gripes about the headache, I don't like feeling like I can't form a complete sentence!) but guess what? The headache is still there. Its been sticking around for so long, I think I'm going to name it. Fruity McBaggerson.

So, in the meantime, I have to wait and see what happens until my next doctor's appointment in a week. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up happy and headache free, although I seriously doubt it.

The worst part about this all, is how freaking scared I am. Since I lost my mother to brain cancer a little less than 10 years ago, I am extremely paranoid that it is happening to me. Do I want to think about that? Hell no! Besides this headache, things have been going GREAT for me! I'm finally happy and content in an awesome relationship, and have been married for a little under 6 months with the best husband of all time. We have been working on planning out our future, with new places to live, and eventually when to start a family. I have a new job, and besides lately I've felt more creative and accomplished than I have in the rest of my life. Yet every day that I wake up with this headache, it worries me more and more. Every day, at every minute, there is a little voice in the back of my head nagging me that "this might be a tumor" and goes on to say "what if you're going to die" "what will happen to your husband... your dad... your friends and family" over and over again. Yet I keep trying to drown it out. I keep trying to think positive. But, I keep failing.

If things continue as they are now, I can almost guarantee an MRI is in my near future, that is as long as the insurance will cover such "frivolous" expenses. My hope is, IF they find something it won't be life threatening, and will be an easy enough fix. Maybe it still is some hormonal issue?? I really am trying to hold out hope here, although it seems more in vain every day.

I'll leave this blog here, with the hopes that I will be able to yell this Arnold quote at the top of my lungs soon:

I really, really freaking hope it isn't, man.

A weekend full of nerdery, and work

    So this past weekend, I did a little bit of working with people at the local electronics store I vendor for, and found out that in response to my Black Friday post I was wrong. They are NOT opening at 8pm on Thanksgiving... nope, they are opening a full two hours earlier at 6pm, which means most employees will have to be there around 2-3pm just to get ready. You already know how I feel about this (and if you don't check out 2 blogs ago) but surprisingly a lot of the customers I interacted with felt the same way. Out of all the people I talked to, there was only one young guy who was excited about this, because if they had the PS4 in the ad he would stand in line for it. His lady friend then smacked him on the arm and told him that won't happen since he's spending the day with her family.  Enough said.

  Anyways, besides working and doing a ton of walking around, I also spent a good chunk of the weekend beta testing Elder Scrolls Online!

Its dark! Its intense! Its got boobs!

   Now, I'm not a noob when it comes to Elder Scroll games, and certainly not when it comes to MMOs (massively multiplayer online games) so I decided to sign up for the beta some time ago and finally got an invite to test it this time around.  Since obviously I can't post any screen shots or anything like that (because ya know, rules and what not) I'll just give my two cents on everything I've played so far.

  First of all, after the loading and patching, you got to the character creation screen. Ah, one of my favorite parts about Elder Scroll games, and this time around it isn't lacking either. My husband and I decided to play the Khajiit, or as I called them, the kitty people. Apparently I have a thing for cat people because every time we play a game and a cat person is available, I play it. (see: Guild Wars 2)

"Here ya go man, I brought that catnip you asked me for."

   So, after a lengthy time spent making my pretty cat person, you are thrown into a dark realm full of mystery. Why am I here, and what am I doing? Most importantly, how do I move around and actually attack things? At first it had a bit of a learning curve (for me at least, the last Elder Scrolls game I played was Oblivion on the 360) but soon you are on your way to finding out your story. My husband and I tried to group up for this beginning part, but it seemed that we were both phased out to each other, which I'm guessing was either a bug or the fact that hey, the game isn't done yet!

    Once we were out of the starting area, we entered a beautiful area with beaches, towns, and other such things. Just noticing the surroundings you can tell that already they have put a LOT of time into developing the art style for this game, and the graphics were stunning to say the least. Best of all, it did not run too choppy or slow as some games do on my computer (fear not, an upgrade is soon coming!) and besides some minor glitches everything ran well. I got the hang of the battle system and enjoyed that, as well as I did enjoy exploring and questing.

   All in all, even though I only got to play it for a few hours, I think its promising.  Will it be the "WoW killer" that some people say it will be? I'm not sure. Honestly, I have tried and enjoyed many MMOs in my day, but I've personally never found a replacement for World of Warcraft. For me, its not just about graphics and game play, a huge part of what keeps me playing the game is the social aspect. Does my husband play and enjoy it, and do my friends play it as well? Do I meet friendly people and make great connections in the game. Of course, since it was a beta test we did not find that, but who knows what the future may bring.

"You better have not just called us... good kitties..."

  

Me? Shop on Thanksgiving? No thanks.

    Recently I came across this image on the internet and made it my profile picture on Facebook, which sparked quite the controversy with not only my friends but several of my other friends who re-posted said picture.

    Basically, its my pledge not to go shopping on Thanksgiving for the "Black Friday" sales. (or as some retail places call it, "Green Friday" since that sounds better, and well, they are making money hand over fist.) Before I rant, let me just say that I've never really understood the whole Black Friday fiasco. Don't get me wrong, like most people in this piss-poor economy I like to save money, especially on things I really want or need. When I want something, I will price shop, look around, see who has the best deal and if its online who has the cheapest shipping. What I don't understand is waiting in line (sometimes for hours on end, in bad weather) for something that in the end doesn't mean squat. Plus, I'm not a huge fan of crowds anyways... but I digress!

    Growing up, I didn't even know about Black Friday, and who knows maybe it wasn't such a big deal back then. The day after Thanksgiving was always about two things: eating awesome left overs (my mom was an awesome cook!) and starting to decorate for Christmas. When I was older, say, high school age, I would hear about women beating each other senseless for some random dumb thing or another (like a Life-Size Barbie) but again, it wasn't really anything I ever really cared about.

Look at these people. LET ME IN, I GOTTA GET MY CHEAP CRAP!

   My first big Black Friday experience was after high school at my first retail job. If I remember correctly, we opened our doors at about 6 in the morning, and people came rushing in looking for the deals. I was working at a rather high-end department store, so it really wasn't that bad, but it still left me wondering, what the hell was all that noise? Why do people care about some item that actually was cheaper a few months ago, but that was marked up and now the "sale" makes it look cheap again?

   My biggest and worst experience with Black Friday was the first one I ever worked at "popular electronics store franchise" where we also opened super early. I remember having to be there at 2am, since I had to leave an out of state Thanksgiving dinner with my family early so I had enough time to rest before opening. It was crazy! People were waiting outside in the cold, and as soon as they opened they began pushing each other, fighting over the most stupid things. Sure, some people got an awesome deal on something, but guess what? Most of those things they bought are now outdated. They probably ended up in the trash, at a Goodwill somewhere, or probably sold at a garage sale for super cheap.  And guess what? In the end, its just stuff. Stuff ya don't take with you.

Welcome to the start of the TRUE American holiday, Consumer-mas!

    Now this year I hear a lot of stores are opening ON THANKSGIVING. I don't work retail anymore, but am currently working with retail associates as a 3rd party vendor, and they just found out at one of my locations they will be opening at 8pm on Thanksgiving day.  People might say, "Oh 8pm isn't THAT bad! That's at night!" Well, guess what time most of those workers have to be there? 5pm if not EARLIER. That's right, just about the time that most people will be having Thanksgiving dinner.  So many people are pretty upset, even with the time-and-a-half pay that they either have to skip Thanksgiving all-together, or have it earlier in the day.  For their sakes, I hope none of them have to host a Thanksgiving meal that day. I did it one year, and it took all flippin' day just to make what I needed, and I didn't have to work at night!

    "But April," you may say "what about those people who are poor and need that time and a half pay?"  Granted, of the people I've talked to there are a few people who are excited for the extra pay, or even working on the holiday. But let me tell you a story.... my first retail management job I had at "popular video rental location" I had the choice of either working on Thanksgiving or working on Christmas.  Since I knew we were going out of town for Thanksgiving I decided to take the Christmas shift instead.  I woke up early that morning, opened presents with my family, then drove into work. Needless to say, it was not a long shift, but I hated it. People kept coming up to me with videos saying things like "Oh, I can't believe you are open today!" or "Wow, I can't believe they made you work today!"  It was really hard to bite my tongue because the reason I was there was because of people like them. If they wouldn't have been in the store in the first place purchasing things, higher-ups would not have seen that being open on a holiday still brings in the money.

    For what its worth, sure I got paid well that day, but if I would have known that would have been one of the last Christmases I would have had with my mother, I wouldn't have gone. I much rather would have spent that time with family, and not checking out some weirdo who just HAD to rent the animated Transformers movie on Christmas day. But instead I worked, and I missed out on spending one of the last holidays we would have had as a whole family.

  "Outta my way, bitch! I gotta get to Wal*Mart to get me some CHEAP SHOES!"

    "But April," you may say again, "I've worked retail and we've always known that you have to work on Black Friday. Its just part of what comes with working there."  True, true. One of the parts about working retail is pretty much everyone has to work on Black Friday at some time or another. But as I said previously, some stores didn't know they were even opening on Thanksgiving day until just a few days ago.  Many people's plans got ruined, and sadly for most people quitting just isn't an option. What people don't realize is that its not just "generic teenager" or "generic college student" that works retail. In the past few years I've come across a lot of single parents needing the money, a husband or wife who had to pick up the job to be able to pay the mortgage, retired people who can't afford to live off the $300 dollars they get from Social Security, people who have to work for the insurance or to help pay off medical bills, and a whole hell of a lot of people who are just trying to make ends meet. So when you think about the poor people working on Thanksgiving or even Black Friday, remember that they are still PEOPLE just like you. Human. Beings.

    What really grinds my gears is the people who make these hours are generally not the people at the store level, they are at the corporate level, and they don't usually have to work those hours themselves. In fact, I'm sure about 90% of the people whose wise ideas it was for stores to open on Thanksgiving will be at home eating dinner, spending time with their families when their stores open.  They see that Black Friday brings in the money (sometimes in the millions at one store alone) so they keep opening the stores earlier and earlier. All because of money, and all because of greed.  Sure, the employees (generally) get paid well, but at what cost? When you are shopping on Thanksgiving, you are basically telling the employees that your cheap crap is more important than their lives, their memories, and their family.

   I know writing this isn't going to stop anyone from shopping on Black Friday or even Thanksgiving, and I know there are some families out there that have made shopping on Black Friday a part of their family tradition. I just know that I will not be one of the people out there shopping, unless it is for some kind of medical emergency or basic necessity. I just would like people to think about if for them its really worth it. Yes, there will be stores open this year on Thanksgiving and there isn't anything we can do to stop it, and yes it still sucks. But maybe if enough people let it be known to corporate America that being open on a holiday is not worth it, perhaps next year they will reconsider when Black Friday should really start.

 I feel your pain, poorly sketched cartoon people.

   Or, knowing how things are going, a few years from now it will be a common-place for stores to be open on Thanksgiving morning. "Shop the early bird deals before you start cooking!" Or even better, "Who needs Christmas?! Come to Wal*Mart at 5am to get some really sweet deals!" I really truly hope that things don't ever come to that, because lets face it, it is already a sad enough world we live in.  Corporate America is all about greed, and we as consumers are just buying into it.  I still hold out hope though, that maybe next year, things will be better.

EDIT: I mentioned this on my most recent post but I was wrong about the store I am working with this year opening at 8pm on Thanksgiving. (Yes, from time to time I can be wrong!) Instead, they are opening at 6pm on Thanksgiving due to "having to compete with other stores opening on Thanksgiving." You know what that means? Workers have to be there to set up around 2-3pm on Thanksgiving, way before any meal time. Think thats not so bad? This store is also staying open crazy hours all weekend. Several employees I talked to said they aren't even able to have a proper Thanksgiving this year, and others had to just move it to another day when they weren't working next week or a few weeks after. Kind of defeats the point of even having a holiday, don't ya think?

Just a little into!

Good morning wherever you are, and welcome to my little blog. This will be a random spattering of things I've blogged about before that interest me, from video games, to real life, cat pictures, to art stuff and maybe even some random ideas that float around in this noggin' of mine.

 Long story short, I'm a 29* year old woman living with my husband in Sacramento, California. I'm sure you can wander over to my sparse profile or even my google+ which I never ever use, but here's me in a nutshell: I am a self-proclaimed geek, as in one of my favorite past times is playing video games, watching movies (or TV shows), reading books, drawing, painting, customizing My Little Ponies, and so on. One could say I have a pretty child-like view on things, which you know what, it makes me happy and keeps me out of trouble so I care not. That doesn't mean that more serious issues don't get to me, trust me they do, but for me I find it much more fun to live life by looking at the good things you have, and trying to be the happiest you can be!!

 So sit back, relax and enjoy your stay.